Having a baby? Planning to breastfeed? Don't read the papers...

Two articles have been bothering me this week: Helen Rumbelow's 'Your mother-in-law was right: breastfed babies don't sleep through the night' in The Times and Anna White in the Telegraph: 'Is baby-led weaning a load of mush?'.

The two pieces had much in common despite their different subjects. Both were judgemental, short on facts, and failed to accurately represent the best research we currently have about infant feeding. Helen Rumbelow suggested that there was some sort of conspiracy going on: 'This is what your health visitor, midwife, baby sleep book, the NHS and the National Childbirth Trust [an easy target perhaps, in the wake of the Kirsty Allsopp/NCT stand off?] won't tell you: your mother-in-law was right'. She claims the 'news', that breastfed babies wake more often at night, has been 'hushed up' in an effort to persuade women that breast is best. The implication, although she doesn't state it specifically, is that if you are breastfeeding and suffering from sleep deprivation, the solution is obvious: give up breastfeeding. I've blogged before about how this isn't supportive of women who are breastfeeding and consider it important. They don't want to give up breastfeeding, they just need more sleep. There are other ways to achieve that than to give the baby artificial milk, and any good breastfeeding supporter will have a range of suggestions that may help (including, but not limited to: co-sleeping, sleeping apart from your partner so that they get an unbroken night and can support you in the evening/morning, getting help from family or friends so you can nap in the day...). Elizabeth Pantley's book The No-Cry Sleep Solution has many breastfeeding-friendly ways to gently encourage your baby to sleep longer stretches.

What annoyed me most about the article was not its undermining of breastfeeding (although I didn't like that either). No, what got to me more was the assumption that babies waking up at night was a bad thing, as opposed to something normal. This is backwards: we should be asking why artificially-fed babies sleep so soundly and considering whether that is really desirable. We know that breastfeeding has a protective effect on the incidence of SIDS; it is likely that the waking patterns of breastfed infants are part of the reason for that. (See Isis for sound information about normal infant sleep.) Rumbelow goes on to draw her own conclusions from what is admittedly interesting research; I take issue with her interpretation, however, which continues to undermine parents who've decided not to artificially feed or sleep train their babies. She glibly asserts that 'Once a baby is weaned onto solids at six months, it is developmentally ready to sleep through the night', and goes on to claim that 'the type of mother to breastfeed her kid in the UK gets her heart broken every time her baby cries at night. And she could totally get a better night's sleep if she just adopted a harder line.' From where I stand, on the front-line with breastfeeding mothers, the whole picture is a lot more complex than that. Breastfeeding is not just about food, for one thing; night-wakings are not all about nourishment, at any age - growth spurts, development, separation anxiety, the child's (and mother's) personality all play a part. The research is valuable, and I'd be interested to read more about it, but I don't think Rumbelow did it, or breastfeeding mothers, justice in her piece. About the only thing I could agree with was the idea (not her idea, but that of the researcher she spoke to) that the research could lead to parents being given a more realistic picture of what to expect from their breastfed baby's sleep habits.

Anna White in the Telegraph did a similar job of undermining those mothers who've decided to ditch the spoon and puree method of weaning in favour of baby-led weaning (BLW). It clearly doesn't matter that the evidence in favour of baby-led weaning is sound, or that health visitors are now recommending it to mothers. (I've been talking to mothers about BLW, breastfeeding and cow's milk this week myself; I mentioned this NHS booklet and Gill Rapley and Tracy Murkett's excellent books Baby-Led Weaning and Baby-Led Breastfeeding). No, for Anna White BLW is a 'craze' that has 'divided mothers'. Really? Or is that just the aim of this sniffy article?

Reading on, it becomes clear to anyone who has read anything about BLW that Anna White has missed the point, since she claims that 'you have the faff of preparing dinner for two and a finger-food buffet for one' - in fact, BLW is easier as the baby can just have bits of whatever you're having. Case in point - steak, homemade chips, grilled tomato and broccoli, followed by melon with blueberries and strawberries. Sounds good to me - and it would all be baby-friendly too. If you start BLW at six months, you can skip the 'smooth puree, one-taste-at-a-time, veg first' scenario completely (those guidelines applied to babies who, we now know, were starting solids earlier than they should have).

I think what I most objected to in the piece was the suggestion that by choosing the new 'fad' of BLW, parents were somehow caving in to their children in an unhealthy way: 'This early selection process gives children the freedom to turn their noses up at food making it difficult to later on enforce such rules as no greens, no pudding. Staple values end up in the bin once you hand over control on a plate.' I can only suggest that Ms White does a little more research, which suggests that breastfeeding, followed by BLW, gives you the best shot at raising a child who is comfortable eating a wide range of nutritious foods and can trust their own appetite. And I have to wonder, since it became clear at the end of the article that she has not yet had any experience of starting solids with her own children, whether her views might mellow with experience in the months ahead.

While writing the above I've had my attention drawn to a third article, this time in the Daily Mail - no surprise there - about the home birth shown on Nursing the Nation on ITV1. Journalist Kathryn Knight's piece, entitled 'Would you ask your neighbours round to watch you give birth? Natalie did, not to mention her four other children, mother, best friend and a TV crew!' Subtext: what will these crazy women get up to next? The tone echoes the articles already discussed, coming across as deeply critical of anyone who makes a choice outside a narrow range of the so-called normal. 'Most would see Natalie’s choice as bizarre. After all, mothers generally prefer this most private of events to take place in front of no one other than their partner and a medical professional.' That sounds to me more like Knight's personal view of the matter than a fact. The same personal feelings are to the fore when she writes 'It’s a brave woman indeed who seeks to share these most primal and unflattering images of herself with the nation.' Unflattering? The pictures that accompany the article are beautiful, as was the film! That this mother was willing to share the positive experience of her birth with others is a great thing; exposure to positive stories of pregnancy and birth is known to have an impact on women's own births. When they know what their bodies are capable of, fear, and its capacity to put a brake on the physiological process of birth, recedes. This is what the Positive Birth Movement is all about.

I remain disappointed in the mainstream press and its coverage of birth, breastfeeding and babyhood. I've complained before about the editors that commission this stuff - does it really sell newspapers? It certainly doesn't contribute much to the real and interesting debates that are taking place online, and in Positive Birth discussion groups, homebirth groups and breastfeeding support groups across the country. I'm glad to say it's not all doom and gloom this week - I've been somewhat cheered up by the launch of Birthrights, a new organisation that aims to protect women's human rights in childbirth. Do have a read of their website - there's stacks of important information there for anyone giving birth in the UK today.

Giving breastfeeding mothers a break

We all know the feeling of desperately needing some time to ourselves. Whether it's time to have a bath in peace, to read a book, to go to an exercise class or just to sit with a cup of coffee, as mothers we often crave a few minutes (or, better, a few hours!) to just be free of the constant demands that small children make on our attention. It doesn't make us bad mothers to want this alone time. Being a parent is hard work, no question. Whether you've got one newborn, or a larger brood, the daily shepherding of little humans through their daily lives can be delightful, but also exhausting, repetitive and - at times - lonely and boring. And in today's society the other pressures on mothers are great - we are constantly bombarded with (often contradictory) messages about what we 'should' be doing: getting our babies into routines, sleeping through, eating solids, so we can get our lives and our bodies back...

This can weigh particularly heavily on a new breastfeeding mother. Even mothers for whom breastfeeding is working beautifully often feel they are somehow not doing 'enough'. I hear a lot from new mothers about 'getting started expressing', not because they need to be separated from the baby, but to give their partner a chance to do feeds, or to allow them to go on a long-planned hen weekend, or because grandma wants to have the baby for a day. Mums often sound ambivalent about this - the hassle factor of expressing and bottle-feeding to please others can seem like an extra burden. I also hear a lot from mums who are tired out from constantly feeding the baby, trying to keep on top of the washing and cleaning, shopping and cooking meals - and their partner doesn't get home until late in the evening. They think their lives would be easier if they weren't tied to the baby by breastfeeding, and expressing and bottle-feeding, or feeding formula, seem (or are made to seem, by others and the media) like the keys to more 'freedom'.

I think we have a problem here that's a real threat to breastfeeding: it becomes the 'fall guy' for the other problems of new motherhood. Feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for your new baby? Blame the breastfeeding that keeps you tied to the baby 24/7. In need of a break? You can't have one if the baby won't take a bottle. Want to keep up with your hobbies and interests, or see your friends? Not while you're breastfeeding! Want to eat a curry, go for a few drinks, have an evening out? Not if you're still breastfeeding! (Note the 'still' - it's part of the not-so-subtle pressure to stop breastfeeding early). Partner won't look after the baby? How can he, if you won't bottle feed? Baby won't sleep at night? Breastfeeding's the culprit. No time to yourself to exercise, get your hair done, go shopping? Yep, breastfeeding's the problem. I say, this is all rubbish. It's not about the breastfeeding. It's about society's attitudes and how they play out in individual families. I truly believe that breastfeeding is more flexible than many people think, and I think it's possible to balance your life as a breastfeeding mother with the other parts of your life that are important to you.


Of course life will never be the same now you have a child (breastfeeding or not). That's not a bad thing! This is a new chapter. You will not 'get back' to how you were before. But you will be able to enjoy the things that made you happy before you became a parent, albeit in a new, different, possibly even better way. Some things may be off the agenda for weeks, months or even years (I loved long tramps over hills and dales before children), but new opportunities will come along to compensate.

It's not selfish to put you, and your little family, at the centre of things for a while. If you want to turn down invitations to distant, child-free weddings, do so; if you don't want to let the grandparents have your child overnight, you don't have to. If you don't want to be bothered with expressing and bottle-feeding, you can forget all about it and just carry on breastfeeding for as long as you like. Be polite but firm when dealing with those who have an opinion about what you're doing. Part of parenting is learning how to make the choices that are right for you and your family and standing by those choices. And the choice to continue breastfeeding, and thus to not accommodate requests that conflict with it, is very valid. 'Can't you just give the baby a bottle?' is an often-heard question, to which 'no' is a perfectly acceptable answer.


So, some practical tips about how to get a break as a breastfeeding mother, that don't assume the breastfeeding is the problem. First, and perhaps most importantly, work out what it is that's important to you. Presumably the breastfeeding is important to you, because you did it (yay!) and you're still doing it (yay again!). But you'd love some time, to just do something. Let's see how that might be achieved. Obviously it helps if you've got some support - a partner, family nearby, friends. But even if you're on your own, there are things you can do to carve out some time for you, while continuing to breastfeed. Marshall your resources: if you've got support, draw on it. Tell people what you need and ask them to help make it happen. If you don't have support, see if you can get any (breastfeeding groups are a great place to start).

When my children were newly born I couldn't bear to be physically separated from them, even if they were only downstairs. This lasted several weeks and seemed to be part of my instinctive response to my baby - along with the gut-wrenching feeling I got when they cried, and the way I sprang awake, fully alert, when they made so much as a murmur. (And the way my boobs leaked at the first cry of hunger, from my own baby or someone else's.) Don't rush the first few weeks. Get what help you can to enable you to just be with your baby, let them sleep on your chest, feed as long as they like, let the house go to the dogs. Read this poem.

However, even in the early weeks, you may want a little time - to take a shower, for example? I remember agonising over how I could have a shower when I was alone with the baby. What if she woke and needed feeding? I put her in a bouncy chair and took her into the bathroom with me, then showered at breakneck speed. I soon realised that wasn't very relaxing and took to getting up early (while my husband was still at home), having a shower and then going back to sleep! Or I'd shower at night. The point is, you can change these things around. Try things out. You'll get to know what works.

With a tiny baby you can feel as though you literally never put the baby down. Slings can be a godsend and enable you to do things around the house and get out for a walk, but it can feel liberating to have a few minutes to yourself without a baby physically attached to you. Luckily, other people can wear slings and carry your baby too - so get your husband or partner to go out for a walk with the baby in the sling (or pram, if the baby likes the pram) while you do... whatever you like. Watch telly, do chores, paint your toenails. Or go out for the walk too, just not holding the baby! I used to love hanging up the washing while someone - anyone! - held the baby for ten minutes. I was outside, in the sun, with my arms temporarily free, alone with my thoughts. I learnt to savour those moments.

When you're up with the baby in the night, and doing a lot of night feeds, it can feel as though you never get comfy in bed or have space to yourself. When my second baby was not sleeping well my husband would take him downstairs when he got up for work, and look after him for an hour so I had the bed to myself for a much-needed extra hour of sleep. I loved him for it.

It can be helpful to focus on what you can do. You have lots of 'thinking time'. You can plan, make lists, decide what you will do in the future when you get chance. (That future comes sooner than you think!) I wrote two-thirds of a novel while on maternity leave with my second baby - when he napped, I typed. I imagined and planned the scenes while breastfeeding, then wrote them up when he was asleep. It's not a great novel - it's not even finished! - but it's a testament to the fact that I managed to keep a little bit of head space for myself and my ideas while at home with a small baby.

I missed reading when my babies were small. Either I was too tired to read, or I couldn't hold the book and turn the pages while breastfeeding (other mums I know were more adept than me!). A friend having her second baby deliberately made the choice to sit up and have the light on during night feeds so that she could read while feeding at night, reasoning that she might as well make best use of the time if she had to be awake. Now I have a smartphone I would browse and read on that if I were spending hours on the sofa feeding a newborn. (Sadly my breastfed baby is now 23 months old and she wants to play on the smartphone while feeding.)

Getting out of the house alone - just for a while - can really make you feel as though you've had a break. At weekends I used to feed the baby, hand her to Daddy, then go out for an hour or so, often to buy something for lunch. It needn't have been shopping - it could have been a haircut, a walk round the park, a coffee with a friend. Leaving a breastfed baby for an hour with a trusted friend or family member is definitely doable.

Often there are breastfeeding-friendly ways round even quite complicated arrangements. In my book Breastfeeding: stories to inspire and inform, one mother tells how she attended her sister's wedding in South Africa when her breastfed baby was just 12 weeks old. She planned in advance, pumped a stash of milk, got the baby taking bottles, then flew out to SA for the weekend, attended the wedding, pumped while she was there, then came home and carried on breastfeeding. A friend of mine had evening Paralympics tickets but her baby point-blank refused to drink from a bottle. We talked it over and in the end she brought her daughter's bath and bedtime earlier over a few days beforehand so that the baby (who sleeps well at night!) went to bed earlier and my friend could get to the Olympic Park in time for the event. As mothers, particularly first-time mothers, it can seem difficult to adjust routines that seem to be working well - but breastfeeding, and babies, can be more flexible than we think, if we give them chance.

This post has covered a lot of ground - but it boils down, again, to the importance of support for breastfeeding mothers. Sensitive support, that addresses the real issues and doesn't shift the blame onto breastfeeding, can make all the difference.